Stupid in Love

Last winter, the pop and R&B world was rocked when fan favorite Rihanna failed to make her scheduled appearance at the 2009 Grammy awards. Her absence was due to an incident that occured the night prior, when she was beaten by boyfriend Chris Brown. The paparazzi and press jumped on the story, and on her, and not only published the photos of her bruised and cut face but followed her every move following her release from the hospital. In the weeks following the abuse, Rihanna spent time with Brown, which was also captured and published for mass consumption.

The press and blogosphere judged her quickly, the general sentiment being "How could she even think about spending time with someone who would hit her?". Pop stars aren't the only ones who deal with this kind of judgment. Conversations around domestic violence frequently include place an expectation on the abused partner that they can easily remove themselves from the situation. That it is easy to leave, especially if there are no financial barriers, as in the case of Rihanna and Brown. That if someone won't leave then they deserve it, or don't deserve support, or are just plain stupid.

As someone who has both been a survivor of domestic violence and has worked in the field, I can tell you: it isn't that easy. The shock that someone you love, and who loves you, would harm you is overwhelming. Someone's palm on your face doesn't erase the good memories, or the positive parts of their personality. It doesn't eliminate your relationship or friendship. And if that person is your main source of emotional support....it gets so much harder. There is an impluse to try and make it work out, if only to show those around you that you weren't stupid enough to fall in love with an abuser. And to prove to yourself that you were right in seeing good things in them - that you aren't such an idiot as to give your heart to a monster.

This aspect of abuse, though, is rarely discussed. We expect abuse survivors to have the emotional strength of a herd of clysdales and to be able to cut off all contact with their abuser, to leave them in the dust, as soon as the first hit lands. It would be great it if were that easy, as that is the only way that the abuse cycle will end. As with most things, reality is so much more difficult.

Now that the dust has settled from the press bonanaza that occured this weekend, Rihanna has come out with a new album addressing issues around abuse that are usually kept in the dark. This blog is not intended for lauding the mainstream - commercial music gets enough press as it is - but I was so struck by her new record, and her bravery in addressing the more complicated issues that survivors face, that I had to write about it. Embedded below is a track off her new record, R Rated, "Stupid in Love". A warning to survivors - the song may trigger flashbacks or strong emotions.